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Sutho Spy talks to The Pantsman

Well what started as a humorous collection of travel tales from Europe and beyond has rapidly become an international phenomenon. Initially intended only for the viewing of 30 of his mates, the Pants Diaries were copied, cut, edited, pasted and forwarded by hundreds of thousands of fortunate punters around the globe.

Since then it has been read & reread by every young Australian male & many of their girlfriends have snuck a look in as well. It has been reportedly read by the Australian Rugby Team, Australian Cricket Team, the Australian Davis Cup Team & was passed around the Australian Olympic Village in 2000.

So who is the Pantsman? Where is he? And are there any more episodes?

To this day, these questions still remain a mystery & this week our roving Rugby reporter, the Sutherland Spy, caught up with Uncle Pants over a Resch’s Dinner Ale & some Fajita’s.

Q. G’day mate, what a pleasure to meet the great man behind the emails.

Pants, the best story I ever heard about your fame was one from the Ashes a few years ago when you had your picture taken with Merv & then walked away politely before one of your mates asked Merv if he had read the ‘Pants Diaries’. Merv then called you back so he could have a photo taken for his album.

Great story & I was wondering if you can remember when you first found out that this had been passed around to the whole of Australia?

Yeah absolutely – I’ll never forget it. It was back in about February 2000, I came into work one morning at my job in London and there was an email from an old work mate from Adelaide with the simple words “Pants, I think you’ve been busted!” So I scrolled down the page – and there was about 5 of my diaries, which had been forwarded through hundreds of random people I didn’t even know. I just hung my head in my hands and started to sweat…

But that was just the start – within days I was getting a couple of these type of emails every day! So, it was then that I knew I was in a bit of strife.

Q. You were obviously a bit worried that your family might find out, because I think I can remember in the early emails some pleas not to forward it to your sister? When did she find out?

Ha ha! That’s an even funnier story. A few months after the emails got out, I flew back home for a holiday and decided I’d tell the family before they heard it from someone else. So we landed at Adelaide Airport, and before I had even collected my luggage my sister was on to me about how she had been quizzed at a party a few nights earlier about her brother who was working in London.

This chick had been asking my sis if I had any nicknames, and after listing a few my sister said something like “oh yeah, some people call him the pantsman”. Well apparently that opened the biggest can of worms imaginable and young Sister Pants was harassed by every person at the party trying to find out some goss.

Q. And Mum & Dad?

I told Mum straight after that and the first thing she wanted to do was log on to the website! I didn’t have the balls to tell Dad while I was home so I rang him when I got back to London. But they’re both massive fans now. Mum reckons she has a bit of trouble understanding all the sporting lingo but that’s fine with me!

Q. Yeh definitely better that way. So what would you say has been the career highlight or are there too many to name?

Geez, that’s a tough one. To be honest, some of my personal highlights have never even been written about.

Um, I guess merely for entertainment, I’d have to say Chapter 22 – which involved some shenanigans on the back seat of a New York cab. I still have a chuckle at that one. And the sauna in Latvia is still up there – just the whole chain of events was an absolute classic and the chick involved to this day remains in my all-time Top 3.

Q. If I can blow my own trumpet for just one minute… I would have to say there must be something about the back seat of a cab, my tale was in San Fran but the cabbie would still be driving around now, if I had more than a fifty in my pocket… So back to the important stuff, all things considered, what was the hardest knock you think you have played?

Hmm… well I guess the hardest knock is the one where you didn’t make a hundred. There was this chick I kissed in Dublin a few years ago who was an absolute stunner – from what I recalled anyway. So I got her number and met her in London a few months later for dinner. I was a bit sceptical because I knew when I’d met her I had the beer goggles fully adjusted.

Anyway my memory was correct – she was like a bloody supermodel – definitely a class above me. So we’re at dinner and I was quite intimidated and so I just roared through the vino to settle the nerves. We ended up legless at this bar but I went back to the pavilion with a duck next to my name. She destroyed me!

Q. You have never been one to bump your gums without also telling the honest tales of misfortune & that’s why I believe people have taken to you & can believe your stories. So you are obviously a good sportsmen yourself, who do you model your game on?

(laugh) Na mate, I’m shithouse! I love a kick of the footy in the park but I’m no gun sportsman! That’s why I started playing pub cricket.

But I’d probably say I play like Slats – I’m capable of smashing it to all parts of the ground, but my game is often ruined by a rash shot.

Q. On that note, I am going to name a few famous Australian sportsmen & if you could I would like you to tell me who you think your pub game is closest to: Ken Maclay or Rod McCurdy?

Are you kidding?!

Q. Wayne Carey or Gary Ablett?

Carey – but you’ll never find me in a bathroom with a mate’s lady friend. I draw the line somewhere…

Q. Tugger Coleman or the bachelors from the Sydney Roosters?

That’s not Aussie Rules, is it?……!!

Q. Slippery Morris or Back Door Benny Elias?

I think we all know the answer to that one! Always try the back door….

Q. Allan Border or Tubby Taylor?

Geez, that’s a tough one. I like my chewy, but I can get a bit grumpy so I’d have to say AB.

Q. Michael Brial or Paul Carozza?

Brial, without question.

Q. Graeme Malcolm Wood or Bruce Laird?

Now I know you’re taking the piss!

Q. There was a stage at the end of this years Super 12 competition when the Waratahs got smashed by a thousand in New Zealand. The boys were down & looked despondent. It was on the flying Kangaroo on the way home that I turned to Bob Dwyer & asked if I could read some of the Diaries out loud. While it didn’t turn the season around Stabby Marc Stcherbina mentioned that it was words like these which had helped him decide to travel to France next year. Can you tell us of any more stories you have heard about turning lives around?

Yeah there’s been plenty of blokes who have written in to the website and told me how they were in a severe form slump until they read my diaries and then they magically went out that weekend and ended up kicking a cricket score. I love hearing stuff like that!

But seriously, I’ve received plenty of stories of young guys who have dumped their lady friends, quit their jobs and jumped on a plane bound for England like I did – and I reckon that’s fantastic. It was the best 2 years of my life.

Q. One cricketer who has obviously sorted it all out is our own Slats. We both obviously share the same admiration for Michael Slater, you must be ecstatic he has been reselected in the NSW squad?

Oh absolutely – when he’s on song he’s an absolute gun. I’ll never forget watching him in Brisbane in 1998/98 against the Poms, when he carted Darren Gough all over the GABBA. I had the highlights on tape and seriously it was like watching a comedy show. He tore them apart so badly that it was just hilarious to watch.

Q. So you seem to have sorted life out for yourself since returning back home. You have just released a book with the next 13 instalments of the Pants Diaries, can you tell us why the book & where the tour goes to from where you last logged off?

Well mate for a long time it’s been a dream of mine to publish a book and so I just thought I’d write a few more stories and whack them into a paperback.

There’s 24 chapters in the book – 11 from the website and 13 new ones. There’s a few more Latvian tales in there, some classics from St Patricks day in Ireland and even a few gems back on Australian soil. Mate just because you’re back home, doesn’t mean you’re still not on tour!

Q. And anymore classic knocks?

Of course! Now without giving away too much from the book - how does the 16th floor balcony of the Quay West Hotel in Melbourne sound for a bit of pub cricket?!

Bloody marvellous. Well Pants thanks for that, you can certainly swill a Dinner Ale. I have learnt a lot from the first few chapters, & can’t wait to curl up with the book.

Buy your book now!

The Pantsman Diaries have just been released in a 183 page block buster.

To purchase your diary, go to your nearest bookstore & ask the good looking sales assistant if they stock the diary. Answer her question of “yeh maybe, what is it about” with an in depth description of each of the great man’s achievements before returning to work & logging onto where you can purchase it for only $23.95 + p&h.

A perfect present for Christmas & for reading during what should have been the 4th & 5th days of each Ashes Test Match this year.
Tue 22/03/2005 Sutherland Spy 675 views

1 Comments about this article

  • Pantsman - you inspire us all with your footwork.

    Posted by Bartelby Shenanigan Fri Nov 15, 2002 02:43am AEST

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