The World's best pick-a-team-based-on-random-qualifications

Byron Vale is TNT Magazine's Sports Editor. Each week he provides the Fanatics with the best antidotes from the sporting world. To read more from Byron pick up TNT Magazine every Monday throughout London or check out tntmagazine.com

Laaaaadiesss and gentlemen... This fight is scheduled for three rounds. In the blue corner pocket, hailing from Melbourne, Australia, and topping the scales at 14 stone, standing at six foot three inches - the Terror Of The Table, the Dork Of Chalk, Quinten Hann.

And in the red corner pocket, from Essex, England, weighing 14 stone and standing at six foot one inch tall - the Phantom Of The Felt, the Pugilist Of Pink Balls, Mark King.

Hard to believe that on Friday two of snooker's hardest men (stop laughing at the back) will go toe-to-toe in a boxing ring at one of the UK's most famous fight venues and before a sellout crowd peppered with celebrities who shine as bright as 'Mr Madonna' Guy Ritchie, Jonathan Ross, Vinnie Jones and UB40.

Snooker's greatest feud started when Englishman Andy Hicks fired a smartarse barb after knocking Hann out of the World Championships at the Crucible earlier this year. The Australian saw red (then yellow, green, brown, blue, pink and black) and the referee had to step between the men, but not before Hann had told Hicks: "You're short and bald and always will be and you can have me outside whenever you want."

Andy Hicks is in no danger of being confused for anything but a snooker player. In fact, Hicks is so weedy he looks barely able to lift the snooker cue.

That's where his close friend King stepped in and picked up the cudgels. "I can't wait to smash his face in.

Andy Hicks is a nice bloke. Hann was just picking on him because he is small and his career isn't going so well," King said after challenging Hann, a self-confessed ladies' man, to get in the ring.

To say this is the shot in the arm that snooker needed is an understatement. This is the right hook to the head that will hopefully leave snooker in a coma with brain damage. And it couldn't come soon enough.

How long before other sports follow snooker's innovative lead? Can we but hope to see Serena Williams versus Venus Williams in a no-holds-barred cage match to decide which of the two gets to win all the grand slams this year? It's got to be more interesting than watching them play tennis.

The biggest surprise is that it's taken so long to come to this. Hann first offered to "go outside" with Hicks in April. As anyone who has ever played a game of pool in country Queensland will tell you, the standard time to elapse between that invitation and blood being spilt is usually closer to a matter of minutes than months.

Another observation: how are the protagonists expected to hold onto the cues, never mind break them over each other's heads, when they're wearing boxing gloves?

Wouldn't knuckledusters make more sense? The fight, to be held at the famous York Hall at Bethnal Green, is a sellout. However, you can still get tickets to watch Audley Harrison play Mike Tyson over 19 frames at the Mayfair Snooker Club.

Social events at TNT are rollicking good times... no, they're not. They're about as interesting as a Mark Richardson century but without the possibility that someone is going to be hit in the Jatz crackers.

Typically, the entertainment editor only wants to talk about the latest movies, the travel editor wants to talk about her last holiday, the news editor wants to talk about Israel (no chance of making the World Cup) and the editor wants to talk about my expenses and personal hygiene.

All the sports lovers out there - and, let's face it, you wouldn't be reading this column if you weren't - have probably played the pick-a-team-based-on-random-qualifications game. Here's some examples from the last Sidelines get-together - now that was a good time.

Premier League Last Name Is A First Name XI 1. Tim Howard (Man Utd) 2. Gary Neville (Man Utd) 3. John Terry (Chelsea) 4. Rio Ferdinand (Man Utd) 5. Lucas Neill (Blackburn) 6. Gareth Barry (Aston Villa) 7. Steven Gerrard (Liverpool) 8. Colin Cameron (Wolves) 9. Lauren Robert (Newcastle) 10. Michael Owen (Liverpool) 11. Thierry Henry (Arsenal) Coach: Steve Bruce (Birmingham)

The Golf Chokers Foursome 1. Greg Norman (1996 Masters, among others) 2. Jean Van de Velde (1999 British Open) 3. US Ryder Cup team (1997) 4. Ian Baker-Finch (from 1991)

Never To Play For Your Country Again Australian Cricket XI 1. Michael Slater 2. Matthew Elliott 3. Greg Blewett 4. Stuart Law 5. Jimmy Maher 6. Michael Bevan 7. Tim Zoehrer 8. Simon Cook 9. Gavin Robertson 10. Paul Wilson 11. Scott Muller

Ginger XI 1. Paul Scholes (soccer) 2. Paul Vautin (league) 3. Brett Dallas (league) 4. Mark Woodforde (tennis) 5. Shaun Pollock (cricket) 6. Lance Thompson (league) 8. Ellie Overton (swimming) 9. Wayne Ferreira (tennis) 10. Red Rum (horse racing) 11. John Gallagher (rugby union, league)

Rugby Traitors World XV (Born in: play for) 1. Patricio Noriega (Arg: Aus) 2. Dean Anglesey (NZ: Japan) 3. Pieter de Villiers (SA: Fra) 4. Nathan Hines (Aus: Scot) 5. Dan Vickerman (SA: Aus) 6. Scott Palmer (NZ: Italy) 7. Illie Tabua (Fiji: Aus) 8. Matthew Phillips (NZ: Italy) 9. Steve Devine (Aus: NZ) 10. Diego Dominguez (Arg: Italy) 11. Joe Rokocoko (Fiji: NZ) 12. Mike Catt (SA: Eng) 13. Tony Marsh (NZ: Fra) 14. Clyde Rathbone (SA: Aus) 15. Quentin Fyffe (Aus: Canada) Coach: John Kirwan (NZ: Italy)

Best Combined Origin XIII 1. Darren Lockyer (Qld) 2. Andrew Ettinghausen (NSW) 3. Mal Meninga (Qld) 4. Laurie Daley (NSW) 5. Michael O'Conner (NSW) 6. Wally Lewis (Qld) 7. Andrew Johns (NSW) 8. Paul Harragon (NSW) 9. Steve Walters (Qld) 10. Arthur Beetson (Qld) 11. Brad Clyde (NSW) 12. Bob Lindner (Qld) 13. Brad Fittler (NSW)

Congratulations London on last week reaching the final round of bidding to host the 2012 Olympic Games

The editorial in The Independent expressed the positive feelings bubbling forth all over the capital. "As so often, our transport links, our accommodation, our sports facilities, our value for money, perhaps even our government's Iraq policy will let us down," the paper wrote.

Hello Londoners. What's wrong with you?

Don't slag off your own bid, slag off the other cities.

When Sydney was up against Beijing for the 2000 Olympics, Australians weren't bemoaning the fact that Sydney was full of tight-shirt-wearing, latte-sipping wankers.

No, we complained about the high amounts of MSG in Chinese food and the lack of parking in Tiananmen Square. I can assure you that the papers in Paris aren't complaining about dog shit on the pavements, nor are New Yorkers fretting over a city full of Americans.

If London is to have any hope of staging the world's greatest sporting event in eight years' time, they need to borrow some of the best elements from past Games.

1980 Moscow & 1984 LA The best things about these Games was the absence of gold medal-hoggers the USA and USSR respectively. Get rid of all the nations which are better at sport than Great Britain and prepare for an unprecedented gold rush. And because there are about only 16 countries in the world Great Britain can safely assume it will beat, the cost of accommodation suddenly falls.

1988 Seoul What does everyone remember from the 1988 Seoul Games? A thousand doves being roasted over on an open fire at the opening ceremony. London has a problem with pigeons. Over to you Ken Livingstone.

1992 Barcelona Replace the archer shooting the flaming arrow to light the flame with David Beckham curling a burning ball around a wall to kick off London's Games.

Special.

1936 Berlin Jesse Owens won everyone's heart, but he would have been just another pretty handy long jumper had it not been for the antics of Herr Fuhrer.

Say what you like about Adolf Hitler, but that crazy little German added the spice of a pantomime villain to the Olympic fortnight.

London could benefit from putting a lunatic with discredited ideas in charge of their Olympics, such as Margaret Thatcher or the editor of The Daily Mail.

1956 Melbourne Australia's quarantine laws were so strict that foreign horses weren't allowed into the country, meaning the equestrian events were held in Stockholm.

By 2012, Britain's immigration laws will be so tough that any athlete without an EU passport will have to compete from home and email through their times.

Lord's, the spiritual home of cricket, has found a high-tech solution to an age-old problem, and it's not how to get the tennis ball off a cocker spaniel.

No, the old heads at Lord's have developed a see-through sightscreen. So instead of forcing their members to stand up and move 12 seats to the left or right every time there's a change of bowler, cricket lovers can enjoy their cucumber sandwiches and Pimm's without being disturbed.

In the spirit of innovation, this week we look at other inventions that have changed sport for the better

The marker that can draw on the television Best used by Peter 'And If We Freeze The Play Here' Sterling, the pen that leaves a mark on the screen is great for showing where that hole in the defence is, where the fielder should be or drawing a pair of breasts on Fatty Vautin.

Microphones on referees Finally a commentator who knows what's going on in the match (most times).

Miking up the ref has been a revelation - especially to young kids wanting to learn how to swear just like their heroes.

Cyclops You gotta love Australians, they invent a machine that indicates whether a tennis serve is in or out by making a whistle, then proceed to make the technology annoying by mimicking the sound every time it's used.

Mobile phones Not invented specifically for sport, but useful nonetheless if you want to find out a score while you're at weddings, funerals or bar mitzvahs.

The world record line in swimming The yellow line indicating the world record time is a tough competitor, not surprisingly.

Drugs Without them, America's athletes wouldn't be world leaders in sport and the Tour de France would take twice as long.

Winged Keel Not only did it help Australia win the America's Cup, but look where else wings are now used: aeroplanes, chickens and pads.

Beer Enough said.

Bikinis for beach volleyball See above.