Sports' Greatest Ever Musicals

Byron Vale is TNT Magazine's Sports Editor. Each week he provides the Fanatics with the best antidotes from the sporting world. To read more from Byron pick up TNT Magazine every Monday throughout London or check out tntmagazine.com

Main Sachin Tendulkar, a musical about Indian cricketer Sachin Tendulkar, debuts on the stage in Mumbai this month. "It is not exactly about the life and times of Sachin Tendulkar," says writer-director Sabyasachi Dev Burman. "It takes on Sachin's excellence in the cricket world which, in turn, leads to a series of events and happenings in the life of the common man."

The sporting musical is hardly new. I remember countless nights in the early '90s when Elton John (he wasn't a knight then) and I would pitch up at Andrew Lloyd-Webber's mansion, gather round his piano, pop a tape of the 1989 Ashes series into the VCR, crack out the red wine and see where our collective creative juices led us.

The fruits of our labour, sadly, never saw the light of day - partly because Elton and I are no longer on speaking terms after I lit a fart off his 'candle in the wind' centrepiece at a Christmas dinner in 1997 and partly because Sir Andrew and I are, by judicial order, not allowed within 500m of each other.

They were both wankers anyway, so I don't see why the forgotten sports musicals of John/Lloyd-Webber/Vale shouldn't make their debut on the pages of Sidelines.

It's hardly the West End but, like retirement, sometimes you have no say on where and when things happen.

Please note, a lot of these are works in progress.

The Phantom Of The Opener Story: After a late swinging off-cutter leaves the opening batsman of a village cricket team singing in falsetto, he vows revenge the only way he knows how - by scoring a mountain of runs.

Centuries: (sung to Memories from Cats)

Midday, just an hour from lunch break
Has the ball lost its shine yet?
There's no movement at all In the outfield, deep long-on is standing
Waiting to have a bowl ... (Our first creative difference because Elton and I felt you couldn't rhyme bowl with Botham, Sir Andrew disagreed).

My Favourite Things:

Olympic gold medals and Collingwood losing
Friday night football and George Best out boozing Queensland victorious with Wally the King
These are a few of my favourite things

Steve Waugh tour diaries and Melbourne Cup sweeps
Tri-Nations rugby and playing for keeps
Clyde Rathbone scoring out on the wing
These are a few of my favourite things

When my team's shite
When the bell rings
When I'm feeling sad I simply remember my favourite things and then I don't feel so bad.

Facing Brett Lee: (sung to Under The Sea, from The Little Mermaid)

Facing Brett Lee
Facing Brett Lee
Darling it's wiser
Being non-striker
Take it from me (Our second and final creative difference because Elton and Andrew said Gough was a more fearsome bowler. Typical Poms).