Australia Sits Content as Smith Fries

Whilst Warnie contently digests the last of his fried eggs and Punter (currently too full to budge from his captain’s throne after a carnivorous run feast) struggles to digest the 515 he swallowed at an average of 103.00 on his way to a much deserved Man of the Series performance, Graeme ‘Soothsayer’ Smith and his band of ‘fighting’ Proteas prepare to leave Australian shores reluctantly eating their words following a series punctuated by loose lips and heated controversy.

From the outset, ‘Soothsayer’ Smith (who, as it turned out, proved the antithesis of ‘soothsayer’) ignited a so-called war of words, predicting that his aggressive bowling attack were set to ruffle the feathers of Australia’s opening three batsmen and further, that the Australian middle order would come unstitched due to their supposed lack of experience on the big-stage.

Rummaging through his condiment rack, Smith sprinkled further spice on the series, stating that Australia were ‘scared’ of losing at home, weighed down by the enormous pressure of their Ashes defeat.

Wind the clock forward five weeks and the old adage, ‘those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones’, echoes with purpose. Any fears of losing at home were swiftly abated. Aside from Langer, who still averaged a handy 32.25 for the series, Hayden and Ponting put paid to the Soothsayer’s predictions, the Dos plundering 316 runs at an average of 52.66.

Any talk of an ‘inexperienced’ Aussie middle order was defiantly spat on by newcomers Hussey and Hodge who between them contributed 587 for the series.

As it Unfolded

Shortly before the first Test Warne chimed in, the outspoken spinner advising his opponents that a psychologist may be needed to soothe their woes in the wake of the series.

At the same time, South Africa’s legendary bowling spearhead from yesteryear, Alan Donald, drew on his years of wisdom and expressed concern for his countrymen after Smith’s ‘red-flag’ comments that Australia had lost its sheen post Ashes and that the Proteas would be ‘disappointed’ if the Tests were sledging free.

In a telling realisation of Donald’s concerns, Smith ‘the Matador’ and his team were duly gorged by a bullish Australian line up and it is more than likely that team psychologist, Francois Hugo, will be in high demand on the flight home to the Republic.

Come Test time, whilst Warnie tried to decide who his new ‘Darryl’ would be (in reference to his batting bunny of yore, Darryl Cullinan), the Proteas dug in to etch out a hard-fought draw with Jacques Rudolph standing strong as their Rock of Gibraltar on the final day. Despite the competitive and closely fought Test cricket on display, it was crowd related ‘racial’ incidents that caught the series headlines.

Although the second Test was again marred by racial taunts from a bumper MCG crowd, the outspoken South African’s were at it again, this time coach Mickey Arthur, who insinuated that the Australians, in particular our very own Shane Warne, were guilty of over-appealing.

There is no doubt that Warnie certainly doesn’t die wondering, but oh how the tide turns! The visitors kick started the series on the offensive with outlandish statements in essence selected to incite doubt in their opponents and add competitive spice to the upcoming series, and just as the series appeared to be fading from their reach, Arthur hit the defensive, spitting out a would-be excuse and in the process coming within a hairs breadth of accusing the baggy-greens of unsportsmanlike cricket.

At this juncture, Ponting noted how Smith’s earlier comments were now turning on him like a ricocheting bullet. "When you come out and make big statements it puts you under a bit more pressure yourself," Ponting said. "Every innings this series [Smith] has got off to a start and then got out. We've had the last laugh."

Not one to learn from his mistakes, the relentless Smith was once more in the headlines labelling Warnie ‘a frustrated captain’. In reply, the spin surgeon, at his blunt and uncomplicated best, served up his usual ‘shoot-from-the-hip’ dish.

“All [Smith] has done as a captain is have far too much to say, and he hasn't backed it up. Really, at the moment, you could put an egg on his face and it would be fried in about two minutes, and I think that's really irking him,” Warne said. “All he is looking like is a fool.”

Much to Smith’s dismay, Warne was already beginning to take orders for his team’s celebratory hangover breakfast and it looked like he was going to be cooking them sunny side up on Smithy’s melon.

The controversy reached a crescendo prior to and during the third and final Test. Warnie was officially censored by Cricket Australia for his hard-hitting comments and South African tearaway paceman, Andre Nel, who had thus far behaved like a pork-chop on the field, continued his merry ways off the pitch, stating, in reference to the apparent over-appealing of the Australians, "If they can get away with it, why can't we try and get away with it too." The feisty fast-bowler added that, "[Australia] put a lot of pressure on the umpires and sometimes it counts in their favour.

Maybe we can learn something from them in a certain way by doing this. But sometimes they go a bit overboard and it gets a bit annoying...”

As the Test unfolded, Brett Lee was pinged for dissent after asking Aleem Dah why he hadn’t awarded the Australian express-train a further wicket, and the always controversial Glenn McGrath (who, it should be added, was left eating his words in England after his 5-0 Ashes whitewash prediction fell to pieces) was also reprimanded for dissent after being charged with a level one offence for "using language that was obscene, offensive or insulting and/or the making of an obscene gesture".

Good boy Pidge! Not to be left out, Mickey Arthur, painting the excuses on in thick strokes, was reported for directing criticism at the Umpires. "I believe Hussey, Ponting and Gilchrist were all out on Wednesday,” said Arthur.

“The decisions on Tuesday against Ashwell Prince and Mark Boucher were suspect.” ‘Pork-chop’ Nel was also back in the fray, the white man complaining of racist comments supposedly directed at him by a spectator.

Smith, in a positive move, declared on the fifth day in an attempt to win the game and draw the series level (a decision for which he does deserve some credit). For all positive intent though, Smith was left with eggs frying, Ponting sinking any hopes Smith had of salvaging his pride (and the series) by blazing an unbeaten 143 as Smith became only the second captain since Sir Garfield Sobers in 1968 to declare twice in a Test match and lose.

The actions of Smith (and Arthur for that matter) have not been lost on former South African bowler, Fannie DeVilliers, who has chastened Smith’s decision. "It is pathetic," said DeVilliers. "It is scandalous. To declare twice and lose is ridiculous. It is a slap in our faces. Do you think a captain like Kepler Wessels would have declared against Australia?”

DeVilliers further added, "Unfortunately when you appoint a captain who is not experienced and a coach who has even less experience then you must expect these things to happen."

Despite Smith’s self-imploding boomerang of verbal barbs throughout the series, he cannot be denied his dogged persistence. The captain, who has now been thoroughly baptised on Australian soil, will not relent, most recently quoted as saying, "When we get back home in front of our supporters, we're going to play for a win.

We're going to back ourselves, we're going to be confident, we're going to stand up and we're not going to back down. Certainly, when Australia come to South Africa it's going to be one of their toughest times ever."

Up to his old tricks, Smith asserted, “I believe that against any other team in the world we would have won this series, we would have dominated the series. We still believe we can beat them, other teams think they can beat them.”

Whether South Africa can beat Australia this season remains to be seen, however, one thing is for sure, when March rolls around the return series is set to produce some top-notch fireworks.

In the meantime, Warnie, Punter and the rest of the baggy-greens will sit back, undo their belts a notch or two and let the eggs settle whilst Smithy and his boys spend their waking hours in the shrink’s leather chair, hoping to recover in time for a second helping of humble pie.